By Michael Gibson, 2010
Most Friends are familiar with the use of queries and discussion questions in adult religious education settings but might not be accustomed to wondering with adults. All three tools are valuable, but sometimes one is more appropriate than the others for a given Queries, Discussion Questions, and Wonderings
Most Friends are familiar with the use of queries and discussion questions in adult religious education settings. However, they might not be accustomed to wondering with adults. All three tools are valuable, though sometimes one is more appropriate than another for a particular topic or setting. A mix of discussion questions, queries, and wonderings can add interest and depth to a session. Experience will help facilitators know when to use each tool.
What Are Wonderings?
“Wonderings” (actually statements that begin with “I wonder”) are related to queries, but they may involve important differences. Both can go deep, although they take different routes. What we call wonderings, or wondering questions, focus less on questioning participants and more on wondering with them.
At times, wonderings may feel kinder, gentler, and less guilt-inducing than queries. Since no response is right or wrong, participants are less likely to feel put on the spot. Many queries can imply a correct answer that everyone should seek. When participants cannot give that “correct” answer with integrity, they may remain silent or even shut down.
Here is an example of a typical query from Philadelphia Yearly Meeting’s Faith & Practice (page 208): Do I recognize and face disagreements and other situations that put me in conflict with others?
A wondering route might sound like this:
“From time to time we all find ourselves in conflict with family or friends. I wonder what helps you remain faithful during conflict with those you love.” [Pause for response.]
Then continue with the next wondering:
“I wonder what in your spiritual or relational toolbox helps you, or might help you, do your own internal work during these times.”
When using this approach, facilitators act in a spirit of openness and trust. They acknowledge that we are all in the same boat and that sharing may help one another on the journey.
Below is a set of guidelines that explains wonderings as a facilitation tool. Positive examples of wonderings appear alongside negative examples. The negative examples are not truly wonderings, even though some might work as discussion questions or queries with modification.
An Invitation to Wonder Must Have Integrity
In other words, when facilitators say, “I wonder . . .,” they must genuinely wonder. They should not “fish” for a particular answer. They also should not use a question to vent, express an opinion, or hide further instruction.
Negative examples: I wonder why our meeting community continuously ignores or plays down differences for the sake of “keeping the peace.” I wonder how you live into the reality that difference can be a blessing and not just a challenge.
Positive example (true wondering): I wonder how genuine differences within our meeting community have challenged or enriched you in recent months.
Open-ended and Relevant
A wondering remains open-ended and relevant to the purpose of the session and the participants’ experience. This is also true of many queries. A wondering does not test knowledge, comprehension, or recall of facts. Instead, it helps everyone enter more deeply into both the content and personal experience.
Facilitators cannot predict responses to wonderings. Surprise and reflection have room to emerge.
Negative examples: I wonder if you are aware of how many one-time visitors we have had in the past year. I wonder what the yearly meeting recommends that meetings do to become more welcoming to visitors and newcomers.
Positive examples: I wonder what conditions help you feel safe and welcome in a new environment. [Pause for responses.] I wonder what helps, or would help, you feel integrated and safe within our meeting community.
Assume Sincerity
When using wonderings, facilitators welcome and accept each response because they see it as the fruit of reflection, imagination, or personal experience. Facilitators assume goodwill and sincerity unless they see obvious signs otherwise. There are no right or wrong responses, only sincere or insincere ones.
Some responses may seem unusual or off-task. Even so, facilitators receive each one with respect. They allow themselves the possibility of growing into greater understanding or appreciation of each response.
Contemplative pacing, with adequate time for reflection, often fosters deeper wondering. Silence need not create fear. A lack of immediate responses does not necessarily signal boredom or lack of interest.
Avoid Prejudice and Assumptions
Facilitators should avoid leading participants toward pre-conceived conclusions through pseudo-wondering. Such manipulation can create resistance and undermine the trust needed for honest and open sharing.
Careful Order
The order of wonderings matters. If a summarizing or pointed wondering comes first, participants may feel that the facilitator is testing them to see whether they understood the presentation. This can stifle wondering and limit open sharing.
However, that kind of wondering may work well as a second or third question. The first wondering should connect clearly to personal experience and the present moment.
Negative example: We have heard three people this morning share their stories about journeying toward inclusion. I wonder what we can conclude from their testimony.
Positive examples:
Today we have heard three meeting members share about their journeys toward full inclusion in our meeting community.
[first wondering:] I wonder what you most appreciate about the sharing you have heard.
[second wondering:] I wonder what you have heard that feels especially important to you right now, either in your own journey or in our corporate one.
[third wondering:] I wonder what speaks to you with particular power or grace as a member of this meeting community.
[fourth wondering:] I wonder what we might do as a meeting community to become more welcoming and inclusive.
Make Space
Participants often bring important questions and wonderings of their own, so facilitators should make room for them. Participants may already know a great deal about the session topic. Yet each hearing and experience remains new. Wondering welcomes that freshness and invites deeper reflection.
At times, participants may raise ideas that threaten to derail even careful plans. However, we want to remain open to how the Spirit works within the group. We also want to care genuinely about everyone’s experience. Therefore, facilitators should avoid becoming too rigid in group leadership or time management.
An unexpected question or wondering may become the most important part of the session.
Return to Worship
If the group does not have an answer to a participant’s “weighty” question, the facilitator may invite everyone to hold the matter in the Light. The facilitator may also do this when a participant seeks a kind of counsel that does not fit the setting.
There is power in simply joining others on the journey in the moment. Acknowledging that we do not have all the answers reflects strength and maturity, not weakness. After the session, facilitators might also offer private ministry to the asker if that feels rightly ordered.
Acknowledgement: These guidelines took inspiration from the children’s religious education work of Sonya Stewart and Jerome Berryman. See Young Children and Worship and The Complete Guide to Godly Play, Volume 1.
Last updated June 15, 2025.