A Guide for Conducting
the Meeting for Reconciliation
by Steven Davidson, New York Yearly Meeting,
for the Gospel Order Packet

The following is a companion resource for use with the outline for the Meeting for Reconciliation. It consists of two parts. The first offers an introduction and overview of the process and the second provides a range of suggestions for adapting it to specific and especially to extreme situations.

When to use the process:

Ideally, the meeting for reconciliation would only be used after other less formal approaches had been tried and had not proved successful. Specifically, it is offered as one way to conduct the second step in the three-step process of "gospel order" as traditionally practiced by Friends on the model of Matthew 18: 15-20. This process of "gospel order" calls for a first step of personal, private labor between the parties in conflict towards reconciliation. The process described below is one approach to step two, in which a small group meets with the parties involved, as in intermediate measure before bringing the matter before the whole meeting (step three). It is not intended to replace a more informal approach, which seems preferable when it is possible.

The following short summary of conditions might help Ministry & Counsel to decide if the meeting for reconciliation is the proper response to a given conflict situation.

• When one or both parties request it.

• When other more informal attempts at reconciliation have not been successful.

• When personal contact between the parties may feel too risky for one or both parties or it seems otherwise inappropriate; for example, in cases of sexual harassment or potential violence, either emotional or physical; or between youth or new attenders and older or respected Friends.

• When the situation has already escalated to a point of crisis or of chronic disturbance to the welfare of the meeting.

Goals of the process:

• To provide a safe opportunity for each person involved to describe how they experience the incident/problem-both to facts and feelings. Here, the goal is both clarity and understanding, assurance that both parties know what has motivated the other to act as they have and how their actions have affected the other.

• To provide a format in which the parties can work out a resolution of their problems themselves in an environment that maintains a spirit of worship and of good order.

• To reach a conclusion, which hopefully includes true reconciliation between the parties, or at least, a sense of clarity about the issues and needs of those involved. This might be expressed in a minute approved by those present. It might include agreements reached between the parties as to their future relationship and conduct; those agreements might include terms for an ongoing process or follow through.

The importance of worship:

There is a "peace which passes all understanding." We find this peace when we come into the presence of God. From our experience of the gathered meeting, we know that sometimes God brings to situations a unity and wholeness that are unlooked-for or even miraculous, and by paths that no one person sees clearly beforehand. In extreme situations of conflict, it is especially important to try to maintain a spirit of worship in all stages of the process of reconciliation, inviting God through silent expectation and prayer.

Steps in the process

Step One:

The first question is: when should Ministry and Counsel intervene? We try to balance our respect for privacy with our need to protect the meeting. This task of spiritual discernment is never easy, nor is acting on it, even when the need is clear. Our observation is that meetings much more often regret waiting until it is too late, than having acted too soon.

In extreme situations, the parties involved may feel safer if they have someone accompany them to the meeting for reconciliation. These should be persons whom they trust and who will honestly work as partisans of reconciliation rather than of the parties themselves.

Step Two:

1. At the beginning the meeting, explain the process to everybody and emphasize the role of worship.

2. Quaker dialog

a. Set a time limit for this part of the meeting.

b. It might be useful in extreme situations to have two clearly defined rounds of Quaker dialog, one for
clearness about events, and another for venting feelings. If one of the parties is clearly the aggrieved
person in the situation, perhaps s/he should speak first. In the round for clearness, the parties describe in
turn what happened in the conflict situation; they are encouraged to keep this round factual. After both
have finished, the clerk might invite questions for clarification and correction. In the "feelings" round,
the parties express how they have felt in the situation. Questions about motives and other concerns
might follow. Call for worship if emotions become violent, but free expression should be allowed.

c. A break might be useful between the Quaker dialog and the next part of the meeting.

3. Reconciliation

a. It might be useful to make sure, before beginning worship, that no one is too stuck back in their feelings,
that everyone is ready to go on. If not, more time might be needed for this sharing and a later meeting
set up for laboring toward resolution.

b. It might seem appropriate to start with a short worship sharing in which participants express (only
positive) feelings about the process or the future.

c. Make a clear choice about what format you will use during the next part of the meeting; options
include (but are not limited to) meeting for business in worship, in which the clerk recognizes speakers,
open discussion, Quaker dialog. It might be useful to mention the other options as alternatives you
might use if the situation indicates.

d. In some conflict situations, it might feel safer for the participants if the beginning of "negotiations"
were held in Quaker dialog. If one of the parties is clearly the aggravator in the situation, perhaps s/he
should speak first. These might include opportunities to freely offer something toward reconciliation
(for example, a promise to change, forgiveness, an offer of a second chance) and/or opportunities to
express what they still feel they need and are not getting (for example, a promise to change, forgiveness,
an offer of a second chance acknowledgment of wrongdoing not yet offered, a promise to change,
restitutions).

e. The minute of reconciliation: defining your goal. The minute might include: a general declaration of
intent by the parties involved; specific promises of future behavior or actions to be taken by the
participants, including any terms of restitution; terms of a monitoring process, including the time of its
termination; other aspects of an agreed-upon follow-through process.

f. If there is no resolution to the conflict, you might consider trying to approve a minute to this effect,
expressing why no resolution was reached and how the relationship will be conducted in the future.

Step Three:

1. You might want to consider holding a "meeting for closure," a final meeting after a period of time has elapsed or the monitoring period has ended, in which everyone checks in on how they feel and what else might be helpful in maintaining the relationship. Ideas for this might include worship, opening into worship sharing, approving a final minute of closure, evaluation by the participants.

2. The report to Ministry and Counsel might include the following:

a. All matters of fact: names, dates, etc.

b. A copy of the minute approved at the meeting.

c. An evaluation.

- This information is included in the NYYM Gospel Order Packet

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