Confrontation
by Bruce Bishop, Northwest Yearly Meeting

I'm not sure why my thoughts tend to drag me back to unpleasant musings. I've mentioned . . . before my distaste for confrontation. Confronting people has never been a strength of mine. And as I acknowledged in an earlier article, I believe part of that comes from an erroneous extrapolation of my Quaker upbringing. Somehow, it has crept into our theology that good Quakes never argue or confront. We just mumble "approved" at the appropriate times and then talk about what we really wanted to say in the parking lot. But that is a dangerous way to seek God's will for us as individuals or as a community. And when we see someone who is erring, or removing themselves from the accountability of the community, it is important that we are willing to be confrontive.

In fact, I've been toying with the idea that confrontation creates community. The degree to which I am willing to confront someone depends upon how much I care about that person and want to be involved with them in the future. If I have a strong sense of community and want to continue in a healthy relationship, if I value them as a person, then I am more willing to take the risk to confront them. If I do not care much about them, or figure that they will move out of my life with little pain, then it is easier to let it go. The pain of confrontation is not worth the relationship.

And when we are willing to confront someone, we are actually expressing care and concern for them. We are building community with them. Our relationship will be deeper and more honest, IF it has been done out of love. Looking at confrontation in this light makes it a little more bearable. To be willing to confront someone is perhaps a high form of praise for how you feel about them. It expresses a willingness to enter into community with them. Confrontation breeds community.

It is also probably as true that community breeds confrontation. When individuals begin to trust one another, letting each other into their lives, there are bound to be points of friction and irritation, as well as greater accountability.

So what does this say about your youth group, your church body, or about your yearly meeting? Are we breathing life into relationships with the people in the pew next to us, giving us a desire to go out on a limb in confronting them? Are we letting people into our lives so they can know us well enough to risk confronting us?

Christianity often seems so sterile these days. We hardly even touch each other, we barely overlap our lives into the life of the brother or sister that we worship with. We have stepped into private comfort zones that insulate us from the pains of confrontation and relationship. But I can hardly feel like Christ intended His church to be so "safe."

I'm beginning to think that a loving community should be full of loving confrontation. It is the healthiest way to live, being truthful and caring. Quakers have had a reputation of being committed to the Truth and to one another. I hope that we can rise out of our lukewarm politeness, "not wanting to offend anybody," and begin to care for one another and for the Truth once again. Much harm can be covered up in the name of "niceness."

- from Youthworkers' Newsletter, 6:920

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