Strife in the Meeting
From Survival Sourcebook: the Care and Maintenance
of Small Meetings and Worship Groups, North Pacific
Yearly Meeting Outreach Committee, pp. 22-23.

When divorce or major disagreement over direction occurs in a group, the pain is real and can lead, in extreme cases, to a split or the demise of the meeting.

Those who have participated in divisive Business Meetings are thoroughly aware of how poorly we listen to each other at times, even when we are attempting to worship together. Practice in attempting to truly hear what others are saying and stepping back from our own concerns can be valuable. Practical techniques can help, particularly when emotions are stretched, as one meeting found as part of a retreat on "Spiritual Listening."

A Friend brought to the group techniques of active listening developed for the Neighborhood Mediation Centers in Portland and focused on how these "worldly techniques" reached unanticipated spiritual depths. Active listening techniques which may be useful in small group discussion are to:

1. agree that all participants will empathize with each other

2. acknowledge the validity of each person's feelings and position

3. clarify assumptions and suspicions

4. summarize or restate the discussion periodically, checking that all present are in agreement.

Some common blocks to hearing others accurately-things you'll want to catch yourself doing and reject-are:

1. comparing

2. mind reading

3. rehearsing your position

4. filtering

5. judging

6. advising

7. sparring, being right,

8. placating and derailing

9. changing the subject.

The meeting put these ideas into practice in a series of small groups consisting of equal numbers of people who held strong positions on a controversial issue, plus a member of Worship and Ministry Committee to occasionally remind Friends when they were clearly not listening. For at least some, it was the first time they understood the basis of others' concerns after a year or more of struggling. The groups purposely were convened only for the purpose of increased understanding with no attempt to reach agreement.

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