Addressing Conflict
Report from the Ad Hoc Committee to Address a Conflict
Within New York Yearly Meeting

Introduction

In the past decade, New York Yearly Meeting has experienced several conflicts that have tested our bonds of fellowship. The Coordinating Committee of Ministry and Counsel has been asked to intervene on several of these occasions-disputes about Faith and Practice, Goddess Spirituality, and other conflicts at the monthly meeting level. Most recently we met with the parties in the dispute (over the disposition of the assets of a former Quaker institution). As we have met with the parties in this most recent conflict, we have found ourselves asking what lessons was God trying to communicate through these painful experiences? We offer these points as our best understanding of what we have learned in hopes that this will begin a process of further learning.

Conflict as a Necessary and Healthy Part of Truth Seeking

As a people dedicated to peaceful resolution of conflict with a long history of active work in the world to help others reconcile their differences, it is tempting to believe that we ourselves should not have conflicts. This history of our Society and certainly recent events in New York Yearly Meeting shows the illusion of this belief. What the Apostle Paul noted with the meeting in Corinth, applies to us: "When you assemble as a church, I hear that there are divisions among you; and I partly believe it, for there must be factions among you in order that those who are genuine among you may be recognized." (I Cor.11:18-19). Conflict is a necessary part of truth seeking. When we avoid dealing with conflict in our meetings, it festers and becomes more disruptive. When we began meeting with Friends about the (recent) conflict, we heard a wish from all sides that this had been done earlier. We are called to communion, not unity of opinion. We live up to our heritage as peacemakers in how we deal with conflict, not by avoiding it.

Seeing the Evil in Ourselves as Well as Others

It is always tempting to see ourselves as good and holy and our opponents, shortsighted or even evil. To this end, we have been troubled by the tendency of some on one side of this conflict to go beyond the facts and ascribe a conspiracy theory of economic greed to their opponents. At the same time we have heard the concerns of those on the other side dismissed as proceeding from the wounded psyches and psychological hang ups of its leaders. In earlier conflicts over issues of faith, we have noted the tendency towards political correctness in which the concerns of Christians have been dismissed as furthering the oppression of women, gays, lesbians, and other minority groups, twisting the discernment of truth into a contest to see who is the greater victim. Even white male Christians have been tempted to play games, claiming that among liberal Friends, they were the truly oppressed minority, denied access to important committees of influence in the yearly meeting.

Again the wisdom of our tradition cautions us against these temptations when it reminds us that, "We are not contending against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and powers . . . against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in high places. (Eph. 6:12) Early Friends remind us that there is a spiritual force of darkness that contends with the Light of God in this world and within us. This is our true enemy, not our flesh and blood opponents. When we demonize our opponents, we avoid a discernment process that often needs conflict to nudge us further towards the truth. We deny the light and give power to the darkness.

Gospel Order

Because of these temptations, Friends have always believed that individuals needed help in learning to discern the Light from the Darkness, that of God from that which is not God. To this end, they worked hard to set up what was called Gospel Order. This includes the system of monthly, regional, and yearly meeting structures as well as advices and queries that were all designed to help in this discernment process. We believe that Friends need to be reminded of certain aspects of Gospel Order when dealing with conflict.

Although each person must ultimately follow his own leading as to truth and duty, experience has demonstrated that the spiritual discernment, knowledge, and judgment of a group are usually superior to the resources of an individual. Do we test our leadings with our monthly meeting before proceeding?

- NYYM Faith and Practice

If your brother sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower. But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others. The Scriptures teach that every complaint must be proven true by two or more witnesses. If the follower refuses to listen to them, report the matter to the church. Anyone who refuses to listen to the church must be treated like an unbeliever or a tax collector."

- Matthew 18:15-17

So if you are about to place your gift on the altar and remember that someone is angry with you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. Make peace with that person, then come back and offer your gift to God.

- Matthew 5:23-24

All are especially cautioned against any harshness of tone or manner when administering counsel or reproof, either privately or in meetings. Friends should speak truth with love, remembering that if they would do God's work, they must abide in God's love. Even a seeming harshness may check the beginnings of true repentance, and lack of sympathy may cause harm where only good was intended.

- Advice 15, NYYM Faith and Practice

Are love and unity fostered among us? If differences arise, do we endeavor to reconcile them in a spirit of love and truth? Are we careful not to manipulate and exploit one another? Do we avoid tale bearing, and are we careful of the reputation of others?

- Query 5, NYYM Faith and Practice

Eldering

We believe that the function of eldering implied in the Matthew 18 quote needs to be recovered. Friends have been reluctant to openly elder, but it has been our observation that this has not prevented us from exerting an unhealthy form of discipline and censor. Rather than following Matthew 18, we have tended to observe the following pattern: A Friend has a conflict with another Friend. Rather than going to that person, he or she begins a process of tale-bearing and detraction by speaking of the conflict to a sympathetic ear who often in turn spreads the talk further, reenacting an adult version of the children's game of "Telephone," until a particular version of the story is widely circulated and believed. The opponent can find herself or himself judged, shunned, and in some cases even denied yearly meeting appointments without ever having the chance to see the wrong that he/she might have done or defend themselves. Open eldering and discipline, done by the bodies constituted to do this work, is more healthy.

Using the Law Courts to Settle Conflict

"Can it be that there is no man among you wise enough to decide between members of the brotherhood, but brother goes to law against brother, and that before the unbelievers?" (I Cor.6:5) While it is clear that using the courts departs from Gospel Order, it is also clear from this quote that we should have institutional structures in place that can be appealed to and trusted to decide between members without going to the law courts. It is not clear that we have such structures and thus tempt Friends to go to court as their only option.

While there is no doubt more to be said on the lessons to be learned from our past conflicts, these are the major points that have occurred to us. We offer these in the hopes that this will be helpful in reconciling our past mistakes and in avoiding future mistakes as we deal with the inevitable conflict in our midst.

What actions can Ministry and Counsel offer as aids to working through conflict within the Yearly Meeting in the future? It has struck this Committee that there are similarities in many of the conflicts that arise as Quakers come together and form a community in which decisions are made. We suggest that these similarities are:

a. that many Quaker conflicted situations on almost any issue have a similar pattern and can be attributed to the community not following Quaker process or Gospel Order.

b. that it is possible to loosely chart the "steps" in Quaker process.

c. that it is possible to use these steps to evaluate the troubled situation.

d. that Friends can develop possible queries and suggest actions for each step in an effort to begin to design and eventually offer more creative help for stressful situations within Quaker communities.

We offer a beginning list of steps in Quaker process. Friends are cautioned not to view these attempts to be helpful as techniques but rather as spiritual disciplines that can facilitate the inbreaking of the Spirit's transforming love and guidance.

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