The Ministry of Pastoral Care
by Arlene Kelly, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting

The term "pastoral care" is not as common as some other Quaker language. Nevertheless, Philadelphia Yearly Meeting's Faith and Practice states that, "Pastoral care and counseling are the special responsibility of Overseers." What is it that that phrase encompasses? Certainly it is the carrying out, on behalf of the meeting, of responsibilities in relation to membership and marriage. And still it is more. Pastoral care is the way in which we journey with each other in times of celebration, sadness, turmoil, transitions and along the quiet stretches. Together with our shared worship experience, it is the main glue which holds our meeting community together.

As Overseers Committees work to be more faithful and skillful in carrying out the ministry of pastoral care, I have heard the following three questions to be lifted up with regularity. Let us consider them as a starting point:

Question #1: How can I be of help in a difficult situation when I have no experience in it? Doesn't this require help from someone with more experience or training than myself?

It is indeed, challenging to consider how to enter the lives of others at a time of crisis in a way that is caring and helpful. How do we journey with someone through the terminal illness or death of a loved one? How do we enter a marital crisis? What do we have to offer in situations of mental illness or substance abuse?

I have come to know that one essential ingredient is to recognize that we are not responsible for fixing the situation. Except for those few situations in which provisions of some material aid is needed, we are not likely to be able to resolve the situation, but rather to be with the person or family in the midst of it. Our belief in the possibility of the Spirit being at work in this moment can be tremendously liberating if we allow ourselves to live into it. We are called to be instruments for the work of the living God; we are called to be channels through which the Spirit can move. We are not responsible for determining what the outcome will be, for making the "right" thing happen any more than we are called to make a gathered meeting happen on Sunday morning. We are not called to be perfect; we are called to be present. How do we, in our Overseers meetings, corporately ground ourselves in that awareness?

It is also important for individual Overseers to be aware of their particular gifts. We are all gifted in different ways. More energy needs to be put into naming what it is we have to offer and less into feeling inadequate because we are not as good at something as another. Praying, accompanying, listening, problem solving and offering relief on concrete things are all ways of caring. A lovely story I heard many years ago was told by a woman who earlier in her family life had gone through the crisis of having one of her three young children hospitalized with a critical illness over several weeks. One day a meeting member arrived at her door and told her she was there to pick up the family's laundry. She took it, washed it, ironed it and returned it. There were no words about the sick child, but there was love and caring. How do we support each other in our Overseers Committees in naming and claiming our gifts?

Question #2: What right do I have to butt into someone else's business: Won't they tell us if they want us to know there's a problem?

Whenever I hear this question I think of the question which I have heard a multitude of times on the opposite side. "Why, when I was having so much difficulty did the meeting not reach out to me? Someone must have noticed that I was not coming to meeting. When I was there I would cry in worship. I couldn't ask for help. I felt so alone. Why didn't someone let me know they cared?"

We need to consider seriously who we are truly protecting when we have an overly strong caution about intruding. Very often, I think, we are protecting ourselves. Because we do not feel confident of our ability to express our caring well, we hold back and tell ourselves that the other person would not want us bothering them.

An act of true caring is never intrusive. It may be awkward. It may not be fully received by the other at the time. But it is never intrusive. Admittedly, true caring, i.e., love, is something which needs to be nurtured within us. It can only flow fully when we suspend our judgment and leave judgment in God's hands. Erich Fromm put it well when he said, "It is not enough to 'love,' it is not enough 'to want the best' for another living being . . . (U)nless I can let go of my wish to control, my love becomes destructive. Love is always an active concern for the growth and aliveness of the one we love."

How does each of us come to know ourselves and to heal our own woundedness, in order that we can approach another in the time of their need, by being fully present to them? How do we witness to our trust that the Spirit can work in a healing way in their life? Our role is to be a channel for that work rather than to control the outcome. What do we do as an Overseers Committee to ensure that all we do in pastoral care springs from this place of centeredness? What are the ways in which we work to develop some of the skills in listening, opening hard subjects etc., which will give us more confidence to enter a situation of need?

Question #3: Why don't people let us know when they're having difficulty? Why do we so often find out after the fact?

This question is related to the previous one, but it lifts up different facets of the issue of how to discern and respond to the need for help. This question leads into another question-one which I seldom hear asked, but which I feel we need to address with a great deal more intentionality. That is: How can we deepen and strengthen our meeting as a community?

If we do not have a sense of community in our meeting-then we can be pretty sure that we have not developed a climate of trust and safety which will allow people to acknowledge the vulnerability they feel in times of need. Pastoral care involves finding ways to nurture vital authentic relationships among our members and attenders so that when problems arise the relationships are already in place to provide a context for exploring the problems. A meeting's attention to queries such as the following may be helpful.

Queries related to the sense of community in the meeting:

• How do we wish to be perceived by our members, by visitors? Do we feel satisfied that people's impressions are consistent with the way we wish to be perceived? If not, why not? How might we work toward a greater consistency?

• What does it mean to be a member of this meeting? What is the responsibility of the meeting to its members? What does an individual or family have a right to expect of their meeting? What is the responsibility of the member to the meeting? When there is disappointment of expectation on either side, what is a creative way to deal with this?

• What does it mean to be married under the care of the meeting? What is the role of the meeting and specifically of the clearness committee? What is expected of the couple? Does the meeting, through its clearness committee or some other means consider itself to have an ongoing relationship, to which it attends, with couples it marries?

It is important for Overseers to provide leadership in enabling the meeting to address queries such as these. To begin with, a sense of community is not possible without a sense of common identity, a sense of what bonds us together. The meeting's answers to these queries can, at the very least, identify common expectations for behavior that can help individuals in exercising their gifts within the life of the community. At most, the meeting's answers to these queries can serve as a mandate for those who act on behalf of the meeting. For example, if the meeting has not developed a shared understanding of what it means to be married under the care of the meeting, then a given clearness committee does not know how thorough or superficial a clearness process to undertake. Then, when a particular committee encounters an unusual or difficult situation, it will be operating in uncharted waters. In addition to the lack of experience with the particular problem, the committee will not know what the meeting expects of it. In my experience, it is the committee's lack of clarity about the expectation of the meeting which is often more immobilizing than the situation itself. That immobilization can keep the response from being full and caring. Such situations of lack of clarity often are the cause of tremendous hurt in the meeting.

Developing a sense of community within the meeting does not occur simply as a result of our working together on committees nor, indeed, simply as a result of worshipping together. If a sense of community is to be developed there must be opportunities to come to know each other outside the roles which we usually play within the meeting, and there must be opportunities for sharing in some depth. . . . What are the ways which your meeting has found to be effective in developing a sense of community?

In conclusion, in this article I have described pastoral care as a ministry offering care and support to all persons who are part of the meeting family, as well as a ministry which considers the well being of the meeting collectively. How that ministry is best carried out will vary according to factors such as the meeting size, the range and concentration of age groups, the transiency or permanency of the meeting constituency, the amount of diversity, whether the meeting is in a time of transition, a spurt of growth, etc. There is no one right way to carry out the ministry of pastoral care.

Arlene Kelly has served as an Overseer in Central Philadelphia Monthly Meeting for more than twenty-five years.
This article was printed in the Pastoral Care Newsletter, PYM Family Relations Committee, 1501 Cherry St., Philadelphia, PA 19102. Friends may write for subscription information and to purchase back issues.

1216 Arch St #2B, Philadelphia, PA 19107		(215) 561-1700. Fax: (215) 561-0759
Website: www.fgcquaker.org		Email: friends@fgcquaker.org