How to Avoid the Poison of an Ignored Conflict: A Model Conversation
“Let’s talk about our conflict,” she said.
“Let’s not,” he said. “Can’t we just be nice to each other?”
“What do you mean ”˜be nice to each other?’”
“I mean just be courteous and not talk about our differences.”
“Oh, so when I’m doing something that hurts you, you’re suggesting we just continue with polite conversation?”
“Well, I’m willing to just lay it down. That way the problem will sort of heal itself. Time cures, after all.”
“Hmm, I wonder: Would it heal and go away or would it fester and then pop up later?”
“Why would it fester?”
“Consider what happens when you get a splinter in your finger. At first it hurts. After a while, it hurts only if you disturb it. Then, in time, it may become infected.”
“So you’re saying if we don’t talk about it, our relationship will become infected? And if we do talk, what then?”
“Well, then maybe we can start to work it out. Maybe we can resolve our differences.”
“And what if we can’t find a resolution?”
“OK, sometimes a conflict can’t be resolved. Then we move to a different level. I call it the “Friendly Way,” where one or both of us take the opportunity to consider transforming and making some attitude changes.”
“I don’t get it. What do you mean?”
“Well, aren’t we seekers? Don’t we seek answers? Continuing revelation and all that stuff? Don’t we grow and change through seeking and sharing with each other? Sure, conflict can make us angry. But anger by itself isn’t bad; it’s what we do with the anger that’s either good or bad. I know, our mothers taught us to play nice and if we haven’t something nice to say, to say nothing. Look, think of anger as a tool. If we use it as leverage to stimulate our innovative thinking—not just get mad—it actually helps us grow. But when we smother our differences with a heavy dose of Friendly courtesy, when we deny conflict or avoid it, we get stuck in the old place: anger stuffed below the surface and festering. Sure, it takes work—and courage. What’s the expression? No pain, no gain.”
“Are you saying conflict heals?”
“No, it doesn’t heal; it only gives us the opportunity to get to a place where we can truly heal if we pursue it.”
“Hmm. You’re asking me to turn my world upside down That’s hard. But like you said, no pain, no gain. Okay, I’m ready to tell you what irritates me about you . . .”
“. . . Wait a minute. Before you tell me, think about your tone of voice, your body language. Try first taking a deep breath and a long pause, speak with love and patience. Try putting yourself in my shoes and try to understand what I do that irritates you and why.”
“That’s going to be hard. Don’t get mad, but I can’t guarantee that my irritation won’t get the better of me.”
“Try.”
“OK, what irritates me about you is that you’re a know-it-all! You’re always telling people how they should act to be good Quakers. There. I said it!”
“OK.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Well, maybe a little uncomfortable. It’s often hard to hear someone tell you the truth. But I do appreciate the courage it took for you to tell me. It wasn’t quite loving, but you did it
without anger. How do you feel now that you’ve said it?” “Well, I do feel somewhat better and relieved. Yes, I’m glad I got it off my chest.”
“And I feel better too. The more I think about it, the more it sounds like your assessment of me is on target.”
“So, Ms. Know-It-All, what do we do about it?’
“First of all, please don’t make fun of me by calling me ”˜Ms. Know-It-All.’ It’s enough that you scored a bull’s-eye. Now give me some time to process your assessment. I knew that I’m somewhat arrogant, a know-it-all and judgmental. But I didn’t know how much it pained you. Now maybe I’ve got to start thinking about why I do it and how I can tone it down.”
“You’re not being manipulative, are you?
“If I am, it’s not by design. But I’m glad you asked. I’ll have to think about that, too. You see what we’ve started? Honest questions. Not false courtesy. And no arguing, no going away mad.”
“Okay, I do feel a growing sense of intimacy, too. But pardon me if I remain on my guard just a little longer. After all, you are a wise guy.”
“Since we moved to a higher level of intimacy, I can interpret that characterization as a compliment, not a put-down.”
Stanley Zarowin, a magazine writer and veteran Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP) facilitator, moved four years ago from New York City to Indiana, where he introduced the AVP prison workshop program. He is a member of the North Meadow Circle of Friends, the only unprogrammed meeting in central Indiana.
