Aikido and Relationships, Conflict and Quakers
I was at class practicing Aikido one evening and the idea was for Chris to attack me and for me to apply a particular technique. My partner attacked appropriately, and I vigorously grabbed the striking arm and made the technique happen. The second time it was more difficult to apply the technique, and yet more difficult the third time. My partner was resisting me more and more!
Then I had a realization: this was just like the romantic relationship I was in! When my partner and I have a conflict, I see a way forward, grab on to the situation and insist: “This is the way we go, and this is the solution we must come to!” It works no better in romance than in Aikido training. Though I saw a possible resolution to the conflict in each case, it was only a small part of bringing each conflict to a place where all involved are comfortable. My attitude was actually one of the biggest obstacles.
This kind of discovery is not an isolated experience for me: while training in Aikido I frequently notice ways in which my own behavior is contributing to my frustrations with relationships. Further, though some people may be surprised that a person’s personality would manifest physically, my emotional and intellectual responses to difficulty are similar in both the social and the physical realm. Studying an art using my whole body ultimately teaches me about myself. Doing such an art with others in situations that model conflict is the best way I have encountered to learn how better to face conflict.
There are good reasons why I learn so much about relationships while practicing Aikido.
Like partnered dance, Aikido is great for studying harmonious movement, and the essential element that makes my martial arts training useful in studying relationships is that the objective is to create a tension, a conflict, which is then to be addressed. I also find it helpful
that the art I study does not include any form of competition; I would have a lot more trouble discovering and admitting behaviors of mine I’d like to change if someone else was simultaneously trying to take advantage of these very issues to defeat me.
During my time with Friends, I have observed that we generally don’t deal well with conflict in our midst. We are not alone in having this problem, at the personal and social or the organizational and business level, but it is very common and can run very deep for us. We tend to dislike the idea, expression or appearance of conflict, and often we are so uncomfortable with it that we prefer to move away from it, or to gloss over it or ignore it. Sometimes we hope that it just won’t reoccur, or will be resolved at some other time.
I think there are many reasons Friends have such a relationship with conflict. We are a society committed to a common set of ideals, which grow from a great truth: we each and all have a connection to the divine. However you prefer to express it, whether you focus on discerning leadings, embodying testimonies or learning from the Christ Within, there is sometimes an assumption that we’re all supposed to be led together in unity. We even seem to have a taboo against questioning one another’s leadings, whether or not we have an invitation to do so. Ultimately, the feeling that outright disagreement is bad helps prevent us from acknowledging and examining real differences among us.
Another factor is our beliefs and community dynamics often attract and retain people who are uncomfortable with conflict. (Not all of us, to be sure, but plenty of us.) This discomfort can manifest variously. Some of us respond to conflict by trying to please others, which can result in capitulating without regard for our own integrity. Some of us respond to conflict by trying to carry our own intention through whatever resistance we encounter, which can result in missing out on the leadings of others. Some of us try to ensure that the direction in which we move is beyond reproach, which can result in focusing on the problems we find rather than on what draws those involved closer together.
These are patterns I recognize because I have found them in my own behavior in the laboratory of the Aikido dojo. This isn’t a comprehensive list, and I know not everyone is just like me, but I expect that you recognize some of these as patterns with which you or others you’ve known have reacted to conflict among Friends. In describing these reactions, my intention is to illustrate some ways laudable intentions lead to habits that interfere with what we actually want to be doing.
Changing a bad habit is the most difficult thing for me in Aikido training. I find it much easier to do when I’m in an environment which supports that work, with people who are looking for the same mix of cooperation and contention as I am. Recognizing my relationship with others in each moment of conflict is an important step, but only the first one; what follows is moving in a way that supports my partner’s integrity while attending to my own. As I do that again and again, whether in Aikido practice, relationships, or in my time with Friends, I grow closer to who I want to be.
Then I had a realization: this was just like the romantic relationship I was in! When my partner and I have a conflict, I see a way forward, grab on to the situation and insist: “This is the way we go, and this is the solution we must come to!” It works no better in romance than in Aikido training. Though I saw a possible resolution to the conflict in each case, it was only a small part of bringing each conflict to a place where all involved are comfortable. My attitude was actually one of the biggest obstacles.
This kind of discovery is not an isolated experience for me: while training in Aikido I frequently notice ways in which my own behavior is contributing to my frustrations with relationships. Further, though some people may be surprised that a person’s personality would manifest physically, my emotional and intellectual responses to difficulty are similar in both the social and the physical realm. Studying an art using my whole body ultimately teaches me about myself. Doing such an art with others in situations that model conflict is the best way I have encountered to learn how better to face conflict.
There are good reasons why I learn so much about relationships while practicing Aikido.
Like partnered dance, Aikido is great for studying harmonious movement, and the essential element that makes my martial arts training useful in studying relationships is that the objective is to create a tension, a conflict, which is then to be addressed. I also find it helpful
that the art I study does not include any form of competition; I would have a lot more trouble discovering and admitting behaviors of mine I’d like to change if someone else was simultaneously trying to take advantage of these very issues to defeat me.
During my time with Friends, I have observed that we generally don’t deal well with conflict in our midst. We are not alone in having this problem, at the personal and social or the organizational and business level, but it is very common and can run very deep for us. We tend to dislike the idea, expression or appearance of conflict, and often we are so uncomfortable with it that we prefer to move away from it, or to gloss over it or ignore it. Sometimes we hope that it just won’t reoccur, or will be resolved at some other time.
I think there are many reasons Friends have such a relationship with conflict. We are a society committed to a common set of ideals, which grow from a great truth: we each and all have a connection to the divine. However you prefer to express it, whether you focus on discerning leadings, embodying testimonies or learning from the Christ Within, there is sometimes an assumption that we’re all supposed to be led together in unity. We even seem to have a taboo against questioning one another’s leadings, whether or not we have an invitation to do so. Ultimately, the feeling that outright disagreement is bad helps prevent us from acknowledging and examining real differences among us.
Another factor is our beliefs and community dynamics often attract and retain people who are uncomfortable with conflict. (Not all of us, to be sure, but plenty of us.) This discomfort can manifest variously. Some of us respond to conflict by trying to please others, which can result in capitulating without regard for our own integrity. Some of us respond to conflict by trying to carry our own intention through whatever resistance we encounter, which can result in missing out on the leadings of others. Some of us try to ensure that the direction in which we move is beyond reproach, which can result in focusing on the problems we find rather than on what draws those involved closer together.
These are patterns I recognize because I have found them in my own behavior in the laboratory of the Aikido dojo. This isn’t a comprehensive list, and I know not everyone is just like me, but I expect that you recognize some of these as patterns with which you or others you’ve known have reacted to conflict among Friends. In describing these reactions, my intention is to illustrate some ways laudable intentions lead to habits that interfere with what we actually want to be doing.
Changing a bad habit is the most difficult thing for me in Aikido training. I find it much easier to do when I’m in an environment which supports that work, with people who are looking for the same mix of cooperation and contention as I am. Recognizing my relationship with others in each moment of conflict is an important step, but only the first one; what follows is moving in a way that supports my partner’s integrity while attending to my own. As I do that again and again, whether in Aikido practice, relationships, or in my time with Friends, I grow closer to who I want to be.
Julian Dockhorn was raised Quaker in Philadelphia and is an active participant in FGC Gathering’s adult young friend (AYF) community. He began studying Aikido in 1995 while he was a student at Oberlin College. He will co-lead a workshop titled “Facing Conflict Head-On” with Keith Lepinski at this year’s FGC Gathering in River Falls, Wisconsin.
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