For me, my spirituality and my commitment to righting the wrongs in the world have always been connected. It is not a question of a two way street: did my activism lead me to a deep spiritual life or did my spiritual life lead me to work for change? Neither began without the other; they have always been unified.

Many times during my life I have had moments where I am walking down the street or sitting in the park and am suddenly hit with a deep sense of urgency about righting the wrongs in the world. One such moment happened about a year and a half ago as I was sitting on the back stairs of my apartment eating lunch and looking at my garden. I sat quietly admiring the deep greens of the leaves on my tomato plants and the bright yellows of my marigolds, when I was struck with how much pain and suffering there was in the world. I was infused with a sense of urgency "I don't want to live another day with things the way they are. I want it all to change now." I envisioned myself at eighty having devoted my whole life to social change and having nothing change at all. As I sat there by my garden, my body was full of commitment and surrender. "I will do anything to make things right with the world." But the whole experience passed quickly, and when I was finished my lunch I did some errands and went back to work.

A few days later I remembered that many of the Christian mystics I had studied came out of their mystical experience with a strong belief that all was well with the world. I believed these words and yet they were so contradictory with my perception of all the wrongs in the world. How could it be true that all was well when there was so much pain and suffering?

At this point I drew on spiritual beliefs I had developed as a child. When I was twelve years old I wrote that love was the manifestation of God in the world. In the midst of my confusion I remembered love. I knew all was well in the world because I knew there was love and joy in even the darkest corners. This realization did not eliminate the contradiction, however. I knew that there was suffering and pain as well as love and joy, but somehow I came to peace with it. I pledged to never forget either side, and began a practice of lighting two candles everyday, one that I may always remember the pain and suffering in the world, and one that I may always remember the love and joy in the world. I was able to embrace the contradiction and hold both realities to be true.

Five months later, during January term, I was doing an independent study on the Black Panther Party and feeling very discouraged about the possibility of any movement for change being successful. I was also thinking about how Buddha had said that there would always be suffering and how Jesus had said the poor you will always have among you. What was the point of working to end suffering and poverty if I believed what Jesus and Buddha had said? And what was the point ever trying to work for change if any radical movement would be crushed as forcefully as the Black Panthers were?

I began to think about what my goal was in my activism. What future was I hoping for, what was I trying to end? I realized at that point that my goal was to stay true to myself and to my sense of calling. My goal was to live my path, not change the world. Living true to my path was a commitment to manifest love in the world and have faith that love was enough.

The two main realizations I had from these different moments of confusion and discouragement both play a major role in sustaining me in my work for social change today. First, accepting that there is love and joy in the world as well as pain and suffering freed me from constantly dwelling on the negative. I think this is a place where a lot of activist burn out. Many try to only focus on the oppression and forget to see the joy, even to the point of for-getting to let joy into their own lives. Any life void of joy is difficult to sustain, especially one focusing on what is wrong in the world.

Second, my decision to live for the process not the product freed me from feeling paralyzed by how big the problems of the world are and how impossible it feels to ever end pain and suffering. I see a lot of people decide not to work for change because they feel so apathetic about ever making a difference. My faith that living true to my path was enough gave my activism a light-heartedness which was much more sustainable. I could live my life, manifesting love in the world, and relax in my faith that God was leading my path.

Jennie McBee Sheeks grew up in West Philadelphia and is a member of Central Philadelphia Monthly Meeting of Philadelphia Yearly Meeting. She now lives in Northampton, Massachusetts where she works for the Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts. She is currently finishing up her final year at Hampshire College.