Friends and Safety:
FGConnections Summer 2005
The Importance of Friendship between Adult and Young Friends
by Claire Reddy
As young Friends move through high school and enter the adult world, I’ve noticed and experienced a tension present between young Friends and adult Friends, preventing healthy and important dialogue.
Personally, as a young Friend in Durham Friends Meeting (North Carolina Yearly Meeting (Conservative), Piedmont Friends Fellowship), I’ve found that I know only certain adults—ones with whom I have interacted more specifically over the years as I have grown up. Often these are parents of other young Friends in the meeting or people who have been involved in youth group events. What’s missing is the connection to the rest of the adults in my meeting; I’ve been attending Durham Friends Meeting since I was born and I feel like most members of the meeting have no idea who I am. In addition to that, I’ve not known how to communicate my involvement in various wider Quaker communities such as:
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being chosen as one of six coclerks of the high school program at FGC Gathering for the summer of 2005,
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participating in Young Quakes, 2001–2004
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attending a Pendle Hill clerking workshop last fall, and
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serving on the editorial board of Quakers Uniting in Publications book project on the experience of young Friends.
Nor have I known how to talk about all the Quaker books I have been reading over the last few months, all of which have been very integral in my spiritual development. Even Friends in Durham Friends Meeting with whom I do converse sometimes after meeting do not know of all these things with which I am involved.
I stopped attending First Day school in January of my junior year in high school and began attending the full hour of worship. I spoke to the two youth leaders about it briefly so they would understand, and then there was no further response—no one seemed to notice! Looking back on this, I feel that my meeting and other meetings need to be more involved in such a transition for all young Friends. It’s not enough for just those adults directly involved in the youth group or First Day school. Everyone should be more aware and attentive of the young Friends in meeting and their involvement in Quaker communities outside of meeting. Young Friends are just as much a part of the meeting community as adult Friends.
It is very important that friendships develop between young Friends and adult Friends within monthly meetings. In some F/friendships, the adult Friend becomes a mentor to the young Friend. A mentor is someone who, after establishing a F/friendship, finds that he or she has more experience than the other, and then finds ways to nurture and nourish the younger or less experienced spirit. It is important to note that mentorship does not necessarily need to happen for a healthy relationship to develop. Either way, in F/friendship, both spirits can be nourished, regardless if one is a mentor or not.
In my experience, I am the only active Friend at my school, the token Quaker, which usually leaves me with no one to talk to about my spiritual findings and leadings. As I continue to develop spiritually I find, more and more that I need other Friends to talk to who are familiar with my struggles. The lack of relationships between adults and young Friends is not only an issue within Durham Friends Meeting, but in meetings across the country. I recognize that there are efforts to improve youth programs everywhere, but it never hurts to start locally. As a graduating senior this year, and as an involved Friend, I plan to work on improving my relationship with my meeting as a whole. I hope also to make way for better relationships between members and young Friends in the future. This, however, needs to be fully a double-sided effort. We’re all on a spiritual journey, and we all have a lot to learn from each other.
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