Honoring Journeys, Honoring Gender
Ways for Quaker Meetings to Support Transgendered Friends
By Kody Hersh
Call me Kody. It’s not the name I was born with, but it suits me well. I’m a 17-year-old Quaker boy, a musician, an activist, a seeker, and a minister.
I don’t always fit people’s expectation for male gender, how a boy should look or sound or act. But the same way I know when I’m supposed to give a message in meeting, I know that I am called to live in the world as a boy. When I’m faithful in carrying out that ministry, I get an incredible sense of peace, integrity, and unity with God.
I am transgendered, a word used to describe any person who feels that their biological sex does not match their internal sense of self. I was born with a female body, but my identity is male. Transgendered people each respond to this feeling differently; some try to ignore it, while others do their best to “pass” (be seen in society as) the gender they identify with.
Transgendered people have a set of unique gifts to share with the Quaker community. Because we cannot always be boxed neatly into traditional categories of male and female, our presence challenges people to examine their gender-based stereotypes and assumptions. Even beyond that, transgendered people can be models for lives lived in radical integrity, striving to express personal truth in the face of constant difficulties.
Transitioning from one kind of gender expression to another is a spiritual journey. Friends struggling with gender issues need, in many ways, the same things as do other Friends, in other kinds of transitions: love, support, and understanding. But there are also needs specific to transgendered people which need to be understood and lifted up if we wish to build richer, more inclusive Quaker communities.
The most important thing to keep in mind when interacting with transgendered people is to communicate with them rather than making assumptions. Ask them which pronouns they prefer, and make a concentrated effort to use them correctly. If a name change is involved, learn it and use it. Unless the person tells you otherwise, you should use the new name even when referring to events that occurred before the transition.
One of the greatest challenges for me as a transgendered Friend is traveling to Quaker gatherings, where I am often required or expected to room with someone of the “same sex” and use an appropriately gendered bathroom. This can be particularly painful when I feel like my presence in a male bathroom or female hallway makes other Friends uncomfortable. There are no easy, cure-all solutions to this problem, but I’ve been impressed with the creative ways Friends have striven to make me comfortable when I am able to articulate my needs. Co-ed rooms, designated un-gendered bathrooms, and even the simple gesture of having someone check in with me have all helped to make gatherings and conferences much easier places for me to live in community with Friends and express my whole self.
It’s important to remember that “transgendered” is a term that applies to many different people in varying stages of transition, with widely varying ideas about their own gender identity. Many people use hormones and/or undergo surgery so that their appearance more closely matches their perception of themselves. Other people may be “out” as transgendered without having gone through any kind of physical changes to their bodies. Some transgendered people are very comfortable labeling themselves “male” or “female,” while others assert an identity outside the clear-cut, socially accepted definitions.
Because of this wide variety of experiences and circumstances within the spectrum of gender transition, the most important thing for us to do as members of the blessed community of Friends is to engage deeply and personally with one another. We must all be prepared to question with sensitivity, listen with empathy, and allow Spirit to guide the actions that come out of that communication. In this way we can honor every individual journey, reinforce each person’s unique expression of self, and be fully present with each other in whatever ways we seek personal truth.
Concerns of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Friends
- Different ‘Yes,’ Special ‘No’ by by Joshua Mendel
- Facing the Threat of Persecution with Faith by Deborah Fisch
- Honoring Journeys, Honoring Gender by Kody Hersh
- On Being Talked About — Mostly ‘They,’ Sometimes ‘Our,’ Rarely ‘We’ by Beckey Phipps
