Different “Yes,” Special “No”
By Joshua Mendel
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As someone who has spent considerable time communicating issues facing Gays, Lesbians, Bisexual and Transgender (G/L/B/Ts) to those not identifying as queer, I have come to an ironic conclusion. The most serious “concern of G/L/B/T and queer Friends” is that anyone sees the need for this topic at all.
Do some Friends believe that biological sex, gender and sexual orientation obscure the central, spiritual concern we each face: finding the God within, surrendering to that voice, and following its lead? As a gay man, my challenges and successes with Spirit differ only in form from my supposedly straight brothers and sisters.
Do some Friends give into the notion that there are “special” issues of accepting and loving myself because I am gay? Different, yes; special no. “Queer” or “straight,” it is the rare person who has no questions, wishes, regrets or joys in self-acceptance. Facing this concern took me 20 years of struggle, but the answer was and is the one simple step we each must take: I surrender my ego-based judgments of myself and the unquestioned, spoon-fed judgments of others to accept my worth that was always guaranteed as a child of God.
Does anyone believe there is one person who can plausibly speak for all G/L/B/Ts? If so, that person’s appreciation for the diversity in the world has shriveled to a series of closed, labeled boxes. Lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals have only one thing in common-that they are sexually, emotionally (and I believe, spiritually) attracted to members of their own biological sex. Those who are transgendered are in one biological sex but feel themselves to be or need to express aspects of the other biological sex. That being said, there are a multitude of ways to “be queer.”
Some queers are traditionally married (some to members of the opposite biological sex, which bring “heavy concerns” to all); some are partnered, some choose to be single. Some queers hear a call to parenthood; others feel called to “parent” new thoughts, ways of action and relating to one another. In every aspect of life, the queer community is as different and as alike as any other group of human beings. Some people I admire for the clarity, courage and strength they show in their lives. (Perhaps being queer was the crucible for that transformation, but the result is a life lived through Spirit). Some queer people act in ways I don’t understand. I must accept that these behaviors are stepping stones in that person’s spiritual quest and if and when they are in the way of God’s will, they will fall away. And then there are queer people who I see acting out in selfish, self-destructive ways. At my worst, I shun these people and abhor their actions. But when I am in the Light, I know they are my brothers and sisters. I can see their inability to see beyond the lies and the hate; I empathize with the ego-inflicted pain that drives them. And I feel sadness for the fruitless means which they grasp to heal their pain.
Certainly, it is not easy to be who I am and live in a United States that is tilting towards a strict and selective interpretation of the (Christian) Bible, with ever more blatant attempts to turn a free country into a theocracy. I am confronted daily by limited perceptions of my humanness, my spiritual essence and with attempts to block me from living my truth. But how does this description of my experience vary from that of any sincere Quaker today (and throughout history)?
Let’s be frank. Is sex the most important part of your life? Do you consider it to be the defining aspect of who you are? No! Then why do we think and act as if sex dominates the lives of queer people? My time in communication forums with supposed non-queers has given me a potential answer: fear. Queer people knock over the make-believe walls of gender and sex, and in so doing, they make everyone realize on some level that they also live in the spectrum. Few of us are totally straight or totally gay. We are each a mixture of male and female (and a host of genders we fail to recognize). And even considering biological sex, there are people who are born with physical attributes of both sexes. There are no true distinctions between us, merely different places on the spectrum. (So what are you afraid of?)
Why do we spend so much effort to identify, study and celebrate (but more often, demonize and attack) any difference between “us” and “them?” I think it is a big ego ploy. By focusing our minds and bodies on the outer trappings of being human, our egos can keep us so busy and exhausted that we never have the time, energy or peace of mind to go within, to find our unity!
Yes, we need groups like Friends for Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered Concerns; but not because some people are queer and others are not. It is because we have all become lost in our labels, our fears and our prejudices. We must have forums to remind us that we are all God’s children and that God loves us perfectly, as imperfect as we may be at the time. We need opportunities to challenge our smug notions of reality; we must realize that we delude ourselves into thinking our way of being in the world is the only (right) way. And we must become sensitive to the fact that we visit our delusions on others, hurting everyone in the process.
Brothers and sisters, the solution to the “concerns of G/L/B/T and queer Friends” is the same for the concerns of everyone, everywhere: humility, forgiveness and a sincere attempt to bring our thoughts and feelings in our meetings to the truth of the light.
Concerns of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer Friends
- Different ‘Yes,’ Special ‘No’ by by Joshua Mendel
- Facing the Threat of Persecution with Faith by Deborah Fisch
- Honoring Journeys, Honoring Gender by Kody Hersh
- On Being Talked About — Mostly ‘They,’ Sometimes ‘Our,’ Rarely ‘We’ by Beckey Phipps
